(no subject)

[helsinkibaby]

writers_choice faith challenge. Six Feet Under. David/Keith.
For a man who was once ordained a deacon at St Bart’s, David’s a man of surprisingly little faith.

He’s never had much faith in himself, growing up always in Nate’s shadow. Realising he was gay didn’t exactly help matters, always living a lie, pretending to be someone he’s not.

Then he met Keith.

Keith was a cop and Keith was studly and Keith made him feel safe, and for the first time in his life, David fell head over heels in love.

He wanted it to last forever, but he knew that it couldn’t.

And when it didn’t, he wasn’t really surprised, even if he did everything in his power to get Keith back, and when he did get him back, everything in his power to keep him.

He’s just not sure it was enough, which is why he finds himself sitting here with Keith while the faithful worship inside. Meanwhile, he and Keith talk, really talk for the first time in he can’t remember how long, and David knows that this is it. This is the conversation that will either make or break their relationship.

The conversation, for once, is easy, a throwback to the early days of their relationship, when everything was new and thrilling and Keith made him feel safe. It’s something that they haven’t had in too long, so it’s almost worse when today, when they’re not fighting, when they’re not make-up-fucking on the floor, Keith says something that terrifies David.

He tells David what he thought of him when they first met.

“I said to myself, who is that beautiful new white boy?”

Then, when he sees David’s face, his eyes narrow. “Don’t you know I think you’re beautiful?”

David wants to believe, but he doesn’t. Because Keith is beautiful. Nate is beautiful. Claire is beautiful. But not him. “No.”

“And kind, and smart, and loving? You don’t know that?”

Keith is incredulous, and David shakes his head, whispers, “No,” again, and he wants to believe, more than he’s ever wanted to believe anything.

But he’s been lying to himself, to everyone around him for so long that he’s not sure he can.

Perhaps seeing how uncomfortable he is, Keith changes the subject, and they end up talking about the right thing to do, and how they both believed in doing the right thing, even if it made life difficult. And it’s easy to carry on the train of though, easy to admit something to Keith that David’s never admitted to anyone before.

“I’m just not sure it’s right for us to be together. I’m not sure it’s wrong either. I’ve just been so miserable for so long.”

Keith looks at David and David looks at him, and in that split second, he knows that Keith is going to tell him he loves him. He knows that Keith is going to lean forward, kiss him, say or do anything he can to get their relationship back on track. And David knows, on a bone deep level, that if Keith says anything, or touches him, or simply looks at him in just the right way, that he will fall into his arms, hold him tight and never want to let him go.

He also knows that he can’t do that. Because for their relationship to survive, they have to be honest with one another. David has to tell him the truth, even if the truth could end up destroying everything he’s ever wanted.

So he looks down, and, taking a deep breath, makes the biggest leap of faith he ever has.

“I slept with Patrick.”

Keith looks stunned, as if David’s slapped him, and he nods. “OK.” He doesn’t say anything after that, and David is sure that he’s going to stand up and storm out, or haul off and slug him.

Then Keith speaks.

“OK… listen to me. I love you with all my heart. And I’ll do anything I have to do to work through this. Because I don’t want to lose you.”

David’s just made the biggest leap of faith he ever has, and to be caught mid-fall was the last thing he was expecting. But that’s just what Keith’s done, told him exactly what he wanted to hear, words he thought that he never would hear. David looks at him, amazed, is about to say something, but the words die in his throat when the chapel doors open and the congregation begins to stream out into the bright sunlight. David hadn’t realised that they’d been talking for so long, and he looks down, feeling as if whatever spell had surrounded them will be broken with company.

“I can’t promise you anything,” he says quietly, and Keith leans forward, all earnest and intense, just the way that David remembers seeing him for the first time. But this time, there’s a little bit of fear there, a little bit of almost desperation, like Keith’s just as afraid as he is.

“Just don’t give up,” Keith pleads. “Not yet.”

The congregation continues to file past them, strangers, acquaintances, friends, but neither Keith nor David can take their eyes off the other. Keith is the one who makes the first move, his hand reaching out slowly, tentatively, to rest on David’s knee. He says nothing, but David can’t remember the last time that Keith touched him like that, so tenderly, and he knows that it’s Keith’s own version of a leap of faith.

The knowledge makes him smile, makes him cover Keith’s hand with his own, catching him in mid-fall, just like Keith caught him.

David Fisher is not a man of enormous faith.

But here, with Keith’s hand in his, he thinks that between the two of them, they might just have faith enough for two.